Morning, all. Well, unfortunately, I cannot sleep again. So many things trickling around in my head that the sheer noise of my thoughts seem to be keeping Jack and Ronin up, as well, and they're pissed off at me that they can't enjoy their slumber either. I have seen far too many 4:42am's in the last 5-6 months, that its been the butt of many jokes and even a point of a poem that I wrote that eluded to my eventual (and metaphoric) demise. So... among other things, I have so many ideas of this whole new world I've delved into (movie biz) bopping around the ole' cerebellum, that I simply can't think straight. I had an excellent experience, albeit a bit cold, at my 1st Production Assistant seminar today. Funny that I just realized that that title is the lowest on the totem pole in showbiz. Ha! But either way, there's such exciting potential there and so many contacts to make and different avenues someone can take, that it's a bit daunting to absorb exactly what my next steps should be. For me, lately, that kind of uncertainty has been one of my short-comings on so many levels over the last several months that I'm a bit nervous to proceed. And that's why I can't sleep. That sense of "uncertainty". That lil' bastard of a feeling has been the culprit for an ungodly amount of sleepless nights for me for the longest time. Whether it was about health issues, the Holiday blues, family fallout, or the heaviness of Friendship Pitt-falls... it seems like "uncertainty" is this shadow I can't seem to shake. And though I feel like a completely re-energized man then I was, even a month ago, I still wonder what all this means and what my next steps should be. Eagerness has been a downfall for me in a few ways, too. Either, I have expressed far too much and scared opportunities away or I have shown too little and doors close in my face. What do I do? It's a fine line to have the unwavering confidence I now have (in the midst of uncertainty), yet battle with how to express the right amount of eagerness and disdain to a given situation. I have undoubtedly jumped head first into situations in the past, even with the best intentions and most positive outlook, and had the walls come crumbling down around me. Lord knows that I should've taken a deep breath and held some bit of reservation on items like blindly submerging myself in the stock-market several years ago, or selling some things that I should have held on to, to more recent dilemmas where too much or too little eagerness and uncertainty affected friendships. So what does this all mean? Have I made any sense in this babbling? What should I do about doors that keep closing in my face and others that seem to open up too wide and are too inviting? I can't just rush into this "showbiz" life without a bit of caution for the sake of being bored with my life! Been there...failed that. =( I burned myself so much lately that you'd think the nerve endings would have faded to numbness by now, but they haven't. So, I guess that's the secret to finding your nitch in this world: to push forward in the face of uncertainty, and to do so without getting callous from each singe that might occur. Now, even with all the T.S Eliot or Dale Carnegie that I've been reading, that's still a bit damn profound for even me to say. Seems like my early morning writings tend to be "drifty" and obscure. All I know is apprehension is a bitch! But then again... it is nearly 6am on Sunday morning and I should be asleep.
So, good night...and fuck you, Mr. Rooster! I've had enough of
your eagerness for far too long.
You know something...everyone likes finding that missing $10 in thier jeans before the washer consumes them. Everyone enjoys turning the TV station and getting that small surprise that their favorite movie just happens to be starting. And everyone likes to get those "Hope you have a nice day. Love Ya" notes found on the counter by the coffee pot in the morning. For me, some of that stuff hasn't happened in quite some time, but I have to tell ya... I do enjoy finding hidden pieces of poetry that I've either jotted down in an obscure Word file, or emailed out, or found on a napkin in a folder somewhere. This is one of the small joys that I found today:
