"What Lies Beneath"

It blows my mind that Christmas has come and gone. This year has been in overdrive for me, and the last six months have flown through my fingers like water from a broken faucet I cannot fix. And as some people know, I often feel like I have to fix things, which I guess makes me feel like I have a purpose. But once again, the one thing I cannot seem to fix lately is me... and the loud thinking of what my purpose must be. So many thoughts wake me up at roughly 4am on most nights, that I wonder if the new year will offer some relief from the irritation of a partial night's rest. Now, here I am, in a perfectly silent house, in a perfectly detached location, on a morning where silence and detachment is the farthest thing in the world from what I want. What a difference a simple 45 minute drive would make right now, as I long to rest within a world that seems so far away from me on most other days. And for about a billion reasons, I cannot shake this aching feeling in my gut that has hung around roughly since my birthday. And I cannot help to fixate on what this year has brought to me; that thing being a healthy dose of raw introspection. God, how I wish that my mind and mouth would work well together when I need them to. Because as of lately, my nerves and confusion have been a bottleneck for my verbal expression with people. Sure, I have been writing all the time, but I have been getting more and more frustrated with myself and my ever-growing communication pitfalls, and I constantly fall short of living up to a set of self-induced expectations that I try to follow. And right now, I cannot begin to express what I would give to fix that broken feeling within me and be able to sleep with the same child-like wonder that happens on Christmas Eve. How I long for that relief of worry and the feeling of isolation I get sometimes. How I wish that I could just turn the clock back and do things differently. Then maybe, just maybe, I can embrace the pitt that I am focusing on... instead of always trying to fix the outcome of it. But that has always been my problem; trying to find out what lies beneath the surface and fix what is broken. And for once, just once, I would like my thoughts to be clear and not so damn chaotic, so I don't have the feeling that I have to fix the faucet of issues that this very introspective year has brought me.